Short Story 1

the infamous saedy

Saedy Guttridge Livingston Matthewson the 4th was a diehard, a blowhard, a

chronic womanizer, a cheater of life and he did all of these things in mathematical

proportions.

Rumor had it, with a couple mil of his allowance he brokered a deal to attend

and graduate from Harvard with the highest honors, summa cum laude, while

socializing on the finest beaches of the Caribbean (French Martinique), the French

Riviera, et al with the debutante of the week. In essence, he would attend in spirit

but his personal mind and body would be living it up in much more desirable

locales. After all, someone had to do it. Of course to make it palatable for the

family name, a stand-in, a chair-sitter, a test-taker if you will, would wander the

hallowed halls of the Ivy League institution and would put in the required work

most diligently and most excellently and would bring home the sheepskin.

Somewhere Saedy would be waiting, mint-juleped, tanned and loved to the hilt,

yet he would be waiting.

Of course everyone knows Money Talks and Bullshit Walks. After Saedy’s

stand-in graduated from Harvard and then Princeton or Yale law, one of the

Matthewson family henchmen, of which rich, socialite-responsible families of the

jet set had in their employ (on the weekly payroll for future considerations), would

eliminate him, carcass, and trace, from the face, midsection and butt of the earth.

Of course, Saedy (pronounced Seedy) wasn’t as seedy as you might be

thinking. Yes, he would graduate from Harvard summa cum laude and from

Princeton or Yale law with top-notch success and considerations from prestigious

firms being proffered in the form of business-world love notes. The echelonic, as

he liked to call them would come calling, ringing him up, pleading with him to be

a member of their stable. And of course he would be romancing on the Riviera,

French, Italian, Mexican, or American (Laguna Beach) or the Caribbean (French

Martinique) and while romancing and drinking mint juleps and martinis (Oh what

a sacrifice, he would think!) he would be perusing Parisian-model-types in ultra

slim bikini wear, which were optional of course. But it isn’t like you think. Not at

all. Precisely not like you think. Because Saedy wasn’t that seedy. And especially

not with a name like Saedy Guttridge Livingston Matthewson the 4th. He might be

a diehard, a blowhard, a chronic womanizer, and a cheater of life. And of course

all of these things he would admit to and that he did them in mathematical

proportions. But, he would say, have faith in humanity. It’s not like you think.

Not at all. He (listen carefully) he would say, he did not, he would not, he most

assuredly could not just pay these fine institutions for their education. Firstly, it

was beyond his conscience. Secondly, it would so soil the family name, and the

rumors of bootlegging and drug-running back in the beginning of civilized

America had tried to do so with their Nietzschean will power so much already

that the mere mention or thought thereof (of soiling) was quite unconscionable.

In this instance he had told his father, Roderick Saedy Guttridge Livingston

Matthewson the 3rd, he was a conscientious objector when it came to that kind

of soiling. Maybe that’s when his father broke in and said that, reminded him

that… that’s what Wisk is for? Maybe he didn’t? Whatever. The whole point

of this utter ridiculousness is that Saedy would not soil the family name.

He would not accept an education without attendance. So, even though, the

mere thought of attending Harvard and either Princeton or Yale law was mind-

boggingly frightening, Saedy had no intention to be that seedy. Of course it’s

how you look at it, your point of view, because Saedy’s butt wouldn’t be the

butt leaving its cheeky imprints at Ivy institutions. Ivy league furniture would

never hunker down beneath him. And his mind would only venture there in

nightmarish daydreams. So it’s how you look at it.

The chair-sitter, the test-taker, if you will, would be taking on the identity of

Saedy the 4th. His body, his brain, in effect his soul would be bought for the

betterment of the Matthewson clan. The doing so, was not so much a time-honored

tradition, just a way of making major green work to your advantage. Saedy

Guttridge Matthewson the 4th had his behind pinpointed for other, more

delicious, or so he thought, locales. So buying your way to success, which

was definitely a time-honored tradition, was a great option for one of such brain,

provided that you sported the necessary moolah.

No doubt Saedy’s brain wasn’t exactly Broca’s; wasn’t exactly apportioned

for such high-life educational adventures. His brain was more like chopped

liver to Einstein’s transcendent apparatus. And, yes, thank God, by the grace

of God, the 3rd could definitely buy the 4th’s way into privilege, into Harvard

and Yale or Princeton law. And, Heaven knows (only Heaven knows) with

that kind of pedigree anything was possible.

Somewhere on an extremely desirable beach, while transcending the normal

blasé humdrum existence of the common man, Saedy pondered the possibilities that

would be his when he was so elegantly pedigreed. The presidency perhaps? King of

the world? I imagined, he smirked, probably peed his pants, as he was thinking that

one up? Because as everyone knows, Money Talks and when Money Talks, Bullshit

Walks. That had a nice feel, a celebratory ringing in his ears or could it be a French

mosquito, a loathsome creature, who didn’t know who in the hell he was messing

with?

Saedy turned over and his Parisian doll, who cost a mil a day but looked like

the debutante from Heaven squared, rubbed sunscreen onto his parched, scaly

back and purred like a tigress in his ear. She rubbed one angelic tanning-brown

hand through his follicles and massaged his scalp with undoing power. She was

undoing his stress. Oh what a stressful life he led. She was good at caressing

follicles, backs, whatever needed caressing, a soft touch. She had been plucked

straight from l’Ecole De Massage De Paris. It’s amazing what I mil a day could

buy! He knew.

“A little on the left. Right there.” She hit the spot with unerring accuracy.

A debutante with all that. He whimpered like a baby as she rubbed the lotion in,

soothing his much-maligned pores.

“P-u-u-rr.” She purred. Half happy, half sad, his lips met somewhere in the

middle. It’s a shame; the world would never know what he was feeling. His life

had been one crazy trip down one long and strange road.

Yes, it was so eerie to think about, but after his clone was done studying his

ass off, he would be eliminated for the common good. Of course, no one would

know, why, how, when, or where and that was all well and good. The not

knowing part protected both the Matthewson name and their money. And

protecting the family jewels (like name and money) was a small price for the

clone to pay. Protection you might say usurped the public’s right to know. And

protection overruled the clone’s right to a long life. All of which led to a good

conscience. The heirs to the clone of course would be compensated for their

misery. They would lead lives of royalty as the payoff, for his loyalty. They

would revel, ravish, in the finer things of life. They would have no worries

indeed.

Back when the clone, Sid (they decided to call him Sid), had put his John

Hancock on the dotted line and invariably (unconsciousably) sold his soul away,

the future was a foregone conclusion as to its getting here and Sid would

graduate Harvard summa cum laude (he promised he would) and then Yale or

Princeton law no problem. He had said, “Saedy, no problem, piece of cake.” He

had promised to do all that was asked of him and more.

Saedy had taken him at his word, his John Hancock, that graduating from

these fine institutions was no problem. No problem at all. He had been scouted.

Recruited. Sid had excelled in both lacrosse and water polo. Still he turned

down scholarships from both Duke and Stanford’s prospective teams because

passing up 2 mil once he’d been selected was too good to pass up. In fact he’d

only had to beat out one other candidate, Sid possibility # 2. Sid # 2 excelled in

many areas but rebelled when told that he couldn’t attend Duke, Yale or Penn

then Dartmouth for law. Another slight problem, he was black.

Not that it mattered to the family. Blacks were blacks. And the family was

liberal in a fairly conservative sort of way. Sid # 2 could have been whitewashed,

suburbanized. Of course therein still laid a problem, the Matthewson’s skin color

was far from black; there was no need to check their DNA to make sure of that.

Still the Matthewson clan didn’t think there was anything wrong with being black.

Before the rebellion, the 3rd could be both seen and heard walking around the

compound uttering, black is black, nothing wrong with that.

In the final analysis, the rebellion had done Sid # 2 in. Saedy was bothered for

a long time after that because it didn’t matter to him whether he gave 2 mil to # 1

or # 2. And he didn’t want to be perceived as racist or narrow-minded, things that

he most obviously was not. Once he even almost dated a black girl. She was

beautiful, charismatic and leggy. Nice attributes. Ones that he remembered fondly.

He almost asked her out. Didn’t that account for something (in the grand scheme

of things)?

Anyway Sid, the victor had proved mighty worthy anyways. He had scored

1600 out of a possible 1600 on the SAT. Colleges were drooling over him,

stocking his mailbox with impassioned pleas. He had the pick of the litter. But

when you deposit a check in a man’s account for 2 mil there is further proof in

the pudding, Money Talks and Bullshit Walks. Yes, I know, we’ve been there

before.

The Matthewson family machine hooked up the clone’s brain to all kinds of

monitoring devices, checked him for depression, venereal disease, skin cancer,

lucid dreaming (oh well), UFO sightings and showed him pictures of nude bodies

to see if he was sexually aroused by the proper gender. This was most important.

A Matthewson didn’t need a homosexual reputation. Cat scans ruled the clone’s

calendar, swallowing up his summer vacation. He was pumped up by the finest

physical trainers. Sergei Robovtevsky, Olympic medallist, was flown in from

Moscow at a high cost to pump him up.

Saedy Guttridge Livingston Matthewson the 4th was a diehard, a blowhard, a

chronic womanizer, a cheater of life and he did all of these in mathematical

proportions. All the clone had to do was to be a womanizer (carry on the

Matthewson reputation) and a handsome specimen of a man with Einstein’s brain

(attached). He was uplifting the Matthewson family (tree), if that was possible.

Maybe, all of the rumors of bootlegging and illegal drug running would cease and

desist, if the clone had it all? Had it all, but himself.

The clone (Sid) was a handsome devil. He looked like a God.

Like Apollo, Zeus, one of those mythological Greek Gods from antiquity. All of

the weight training with the invaluable, Sergei, just made him more Godly. He

wasn’t even allowed to get a natural tan. Saedy Guttridge Livingston Matthewson

the 4th didn’t want his namesake looking tawdry, wrinkled at the brow, uneasy-

looking in his skin which might become unnaturally leathery if the sun had

anything to say about it. So he utilized tanning crèmes from the dermatologist’s

extensive and expensive laboratory. There were some things that didn’t need

copying from the original. The guinea pig would fit the mold in enough regard

while still complimenting the original.

On a scale of 1 to 10, Saedy was a –25. The God-like clone was off the chart

in the opposite direction. No chart, no rating system, nothing had ever been

invented that could include Sid, # 1. He was that perfect. That beautiful.

Infinitely special he was. He was almost too good to be true. God had redefined

beauty on his behalf. The brain of Einstein and the looks of Hercules, even the

idea of the clone was almost sacrilegious.

Unfortunately such a perfect creature did not fit the Matthewson name. They

weren’t ugly in an ugly sort of way. More like diseased. The 4th’s skin wouldn’t

tan without help from many tanning institutions. His nose was the approximate

length of the Nile and then some. His ears were often called elephantine.

A complex situation ensued, formed on the bridge of a moral dilemma.

Would the clone be recognized too much? Would he stand out so much, so that

when he was snuffed, waxed, eliminated and Saedy took back his identity,

(the 2 mil overriding any cause for concern about such things as fair play and

perseverance, right to life, limb and livelihood), would their differences be sorted

out? Would his delusion lead to a sorted conclusion? Would duplicity,

underhandedness and deception go hand and hand with Saedy Guttridge

Livingston Matthewson the 4th’s name? Would his act of duplicity, his lack of

attendance in finer educational institutions and his wholehearted attendance on the

finest beaches of the world soil his family name? One legacy he did not wish to

achieve was soiling the family name. Soiling was out!

The solution: reface either himself or the clone. It was one of the harder

decisions in his life. Saedy possessed a typical Matthewson face, the angular,

Nile-long beak nose existing on his face, the African elephant ears (biggest in the

land), and the beady black eyes that concealed family secrets under the classic

Matthewson unibrow. He contemplated hard on the face matter. He went face to

face with it, ironing out all of the details, the beauty of the clone, the exotic

ugliness of himself, the time spent with his likeness. All the imperfection that his

(face) daily exhibited was quite difficult to give up. Quite difficult indeed.

Yes, he knew, the girls would drool with no inkling of remorse, swoon

unabashedly and feign pregnancy at the clone’s feet in a moment’s notice just to

be the queen to his king. All of those things were a given. So having a face like

the clone could be quite advantageous. Not that he needed an advantageous face

with his mils in tow. And besides one’s own particular form of facial structure is

quite personal. Quite everlasting. And one property that you can always call your

own. Your very own.

Money Talked and Bullshit Walked. Money bought girls for him now no matter

what he looked like or how much b.s. he put out. The 2-mil question then, should

he change into the American Idol look or keep the classic Matthewson mug?

He drank martinis for 3 days trying to figure out what to do. Then he called

his mother, his ex-mom. She was divorced from the 3rd. She was in the middle

of a sex act and said she would have to call him back. She had run off, rebelled,

kinda like #2. Her leaving made him realize that rebelliousness wasn’t just a

black thing. It was a mom thing, too.

On the defensive when cornered by astute observational types, the types that

studied things such as astronomy, gene-splicing and botany and had a certain

unwieldy personal magnetism about them, he would blurt out, I can’t choose

my mother you know. I really can’t. Then he would run off to inebriate himself

beyond moral understanding, intending to die a slow death for the remainder of the

day.

His mother was employed at the Gold Mustang Ranch somewhere south of

Vegas. She was what you would call a legal prostitute. She didn’t approve of

illegal activities. The rumors of the bootlegging and the drug running, once she

had understood the gist of it was too much of a cross for her to bear, so off to the

Gold Mustang, the place where smiling faces left even happier than when they

came.

Sex acts were a serious thing to her. They were also most lucrative. Like I

said before, she didn’t do illegal things but once he had caught her smoking pot

in the restroom. This made him wonder if smoking marijuana was legal in 225

sq. foot pooping parlors in mansions like the Matthewson’s. He didn’t know.

He likely figured that money was talking again.

Yes, Money Talked. The 3rd had bought him everything that he’d ever

wanted. And then some. He never played in the sports leagues but he was

always the most valuable. The other kids generally looked on in amazement

and if they had cared, you could imagine hearing them say, “Where in the hell

did he come from?” At 11, the 3rd had bought him a Rolls Royce. And those

funny English rides weren’t cheap. He knew the purchase must have set the 3rd

back a mint. The 3rd had rented Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills for a weekend so

the 4th could tool around in his Rolls without fear of running down and over any

celebrities, and possibly damaging his English beauty. And no Matthewson proper

born and bred or not wanted to be fodder for the tabloids. The tell-all rags were for

mortal men not the types like Saedy’s clan. Even though, the 3rd believed Jefferson’s

creed about all men being created equal, in the long run, over a couple of bourbons he

would tell you his real belief, the rest of the world, Vanderbilts, etc., were most likely

trailer trash next to a Matthewson. DNA testing would someday prove him right he

would say as he polished off the bottle of bourbon.

When you are a shipping magnate, a businessman servicing the Far East and the

US and a cruise line provider and supposedly a past bootlegger and drug runner the

mint spent for the reddish candy-colored ride was probably one of many mints he

figured. Still Saedy had a cherished childhood. After all sitting around in private

school uniforms, playing games with your nanny and being ferried from one palatial

mansion to another often at the speed of light (186,000 m. p. s.) it seemed was a

dream in itself. Wasn’t it?



Saedy had found a regular love. She had tightly-woven shiny black ringlets of

gold, if that made any sense. To clarify, her hair was black but shiny like gold. Her

lips walked the tightrope between thick and thin. Her skin tone was olive, but was

reddish-brown ruddy, from being sun kissed day after day. She was Greek

A Goddess. Hera or Aphrodite revisited.

Saedy, to his liking or not, still had the Matthewson features of course. The

clone did, too. He had protested mightily but the threat of being offed, plus an

extra mil did him in. Saedy hoped he learned to adjust to the Matthewson beak

and overall exotic unattractiveness of a Matthewson face. He just hoped. The

henchman wouldn’t come calling until the Princeton or Yale law part was in the

book unless the clone, Sid, relented and went into depression over the Matthewson

face. It was no problem anyway; the henchman was paid weekly, always paid to

be on call for future considerations. It was comforting to know that his clan

utilized the talents of a grim reaper.

Two years into the Harvard identity, while the clone (was a member of the

crimson tide student body) the unfortunate happened. Sid between classes took

to pathologically perusing himself in crimson tide mirrors, in pub bathroom

mirrors, in the mirrors of any young ladies he took to de-flowering. He became a

fanatic, buying mirrors for their shapes, oblong, square, elliptical, and rectangular.

Even the trapezoid held court for a night or two, its strange shape curiously

comforting to one so distressed. Mirrors walled him into a paranoidal universe.

Looking deeply into their complexity of glass was a frightening experience, one

that was hard to live by, one that he would never forget.

The clone’s hawk-like nose, unworldly large ears, beady eyes and unibrow

had worked wonders for the Matthewson clan ever since they’d stored away as

freeloaders on the Mayflower burgeoned on by dollar signs which were brought

into fruition by unholy rum running and its partner in crime, drug smuggling.

Ever since they’d landed feet first and done their dirty deeds, they’d ruled the

world or at least their own little slice of Heaven. Because Money Talked. If you

lent your ear to the celestial grounds of the palatial estate in RossHaven, which

was graced by eucalyptus tress, aloe vera plants, palms and mulberry bushes, you

could hear the jingle-jangle of money. The sweet scent of success permeated the

air, its musky odor changing you forever once you fell within its grasp. Money

wasn’t necessarily the root of all evil but it was the root of the Matthewson’s. It

was their Heaven. It was their Hell. It was their Knight in Shining Armor. It was

their distant past. It was their future. It encompassed everything and anything ever

wrote, told or whispered about them. It was in effect both their legacy and their

curse and it would both bless them and haunt them until their dying days. And

then some.


Sid, the clone dived into a depression. The 3rd prodded on by the 4th (who

was idly passing time drinking mint juleps on the Aegean Sea with his black-

haired beauty) bought tons of Prozac for the clone. Prozac stock shot through

the roof, the price reached incredulous levels. Users of the anti-depressant

became more and more depressed because the drug’s price had risen so

horrifically high. Though drowning in sadness they weren’t able to launch a

major ad campaign or protest because simply put rising and shining out of

bed each day became a Herculean task. Roderick Matthewson (the 3rd) would

have purchased every known Prozac tablet in the universe if need be, because

Money Talks. Obviously, he had never read, heard of, neither seen hide nor hair

of the book, Listening to Prozac.

The good thing, looking at the bright side, was that Sid was able to finish his

final exams. On the brighter side he passed them with ease owing to his verve, his

passion for learning and his unquenchable desire to feel what 2-mil feels like

burning a hole in your pocket. He had already sold his soul; he might as well give

it his all. That was both his creed and his motto.

Summertime would be spent in hospitals. Many nights Sid cried in his sleep,

pulled at his nose, threatened to hawk off the famous Matthewson unibrow. A

private guard watched his every move because Money Talks. And of course as

you’ve been told before, Bullshit Walks. And money is, was and will forever be

the square root of the Matthewsons. Forgive me, determining if money is the root

of all evil will be discussed at another time and place.

Saedy saw Sid in the summer. Took a break from the monotony of waves

breaking, sun blazoning, girl-watching, vixen kissing, to try to cheer up his

namesake. Trouble was when Sid saw Saedy it was a horrible revelation, it was

like looking into a mirror of doom. Once he saw him, he realized all of the

possibilities for a good and joyful life had been thrown out the window.

Like soul mates connecting on the most intrinsic of levels Saedy felt the same

something that had extinguished the fire from the clone’s eyes. The twains met.

A semi-permeable angst took root. It was time to seize the moment and reverse its

downward spiral. Seizing the moment, Saedy momentarily flinched. Then

righting himself he stepped up to the plate and grasped the opportunity (it was an

opportune moment he figured). With the guard’s help, he called on the great god

of Prozac, the wonder drug, the best creation since Lassie to bring the clone back

to sanity. Of course, it was obvious; Saedy hadn’t read the book, Listening to

Prozac either. He figured upping the dosage, doubling it if need be, would do the

trick. If he ever thought about any dire consequences related to Prozac, he

inadvertently filed it under that noted truism he’d often heard but never attempted

to test in theory, if something doesn’t kill you it will only make you stronger. Of

course theories like that amounted to no more than a hill of beans to him. Deep

down he was a beach boy. A pleasure pioneer.

Sid’s revelation, he compared it to the one in the Bible. “It was horrendous, this

face, this face, this faccccccceeeeeeeeeuh,” Saedy recounted.

After having bought all of the mirrors in the world he thought, every shape

and size ever configured, mirrors that made you appear long, ones that made you

look short, tall, fat, skinny and those that pictured you absolutely as you were

meant to be in the moment, he realized what a waste of space in time it all had

been. What a futile exercise. What an exasperating experience! Before he

capitulated to sleep each and every night, he apologized to Uncle Albert (Einstein)

and Stephen Hawking. Before him stood his twin, in essence, his clone. Even

though, he, Sid was the clone. Of course the body bore no striking resemblance

but the horrendous image of a face, the hawk-like nose, the beady eyes, the

monstrously elephantine ears, the unibrow, which he looked at, drank in, was

him undeniably him because for 2 mil, he had sold his face. He had sold his face,

ultimately his soul and now he couldn’t believe his eyes. Looking into the face

that he mirrored, he blinked. He looked again. He determined that he was looking

at the most insulting thing in the universe. The insulting thing, the face, was not

only the most horrifyingly despicable thing that he had ever seen, but it was also

his face as well. Ditto. It was a bitter pill to swallow. Jack Kevorkian came to

mind. Unfortunately wily Jack was out of commission, out of sorts and he

promised never to execute his right to end lives again. And that wasn’t even half

the problem, he knew. An ex-football player stood watch. Stood watch morning,

noon and night. There were three of them. They were interchangeable. Each and

every one of them individually and collectively held his fate in their hands.

Because Money Talks and Bullshit Walks.

Another mil from the bankroll of the 3rd got Sid back into school by the fall.

Another mil kept a foxy brainiac or if need be a gorgeous, and stereotypically

dumb blonde on his arm for the remainder of the term. And the next. The next.

And the next following the previous next.

All of Sid’s angst made Saedy wonder about the clone’s happiness. During

this brief moment, he wondered if he, (Sid), deserved the henchman’s weapon

of choice. This momentary glimpse into insanity quickly passed before it became

a rude awakening.

Graduating second in his class wasn’t what the Matthewson boys would have

wanted but the Prozac vacation had taken a toll on his sophomore year. That year

he had received a b in physics. During that time he expected a call from Stephen

Hawking at any minute admonishing him, telling him never to think of him again.

And never, ever, ever, attempt to contact him on the telephone, God forbid.

Or at least until he had gotten himself straightened out. He knew all that he’d

accomplished was utter blasphemy on his part. To sell your soul and receive just a

b was utter blasphemy.

Saedy had lived a pleasured life by most standards. To say the least. Now he

was 23 and theoretically on the top of his game, getting ready to enter Yale or

Princeton law. They both wanted him. Bowed down to his throne. They offered

scholarships. Of course the money didn’t matter. The mere mention of money

didn’t faze him. They offered debutante after debutante. Hadn’t they seen his

remarkable face? Passing his free time wisely, he often wondered.

Problem was Saedy was immersed in a different life, different sordid

adventures. His clone had done all of the heavy lifting. Still the decision was in

the hands of the light weight lifter.

Saedy had grown paler than usual. He had tired of the beach. Too much

sun. Too much fun. Too many girls throwing themselves at you, for a mil of

course.

Inside his less than optimal brain, he wondered if he had done right by

himself. Maybe he could’ve gone to a JC and become a glorified mechanic.

Beverly Hills needed a quality garage and of course he knew he would forever

be getting manicures while his mechanics busted their balls, broke their nails,

and strutted around like grease monkeys because they were hands-on people.

He, Saedy, was the opposite of hands on, except when it came to the princesses

who felt the keen and observational touch of his manicured hands and longingly

waited for the object of their desire, the money clip, which eased each and every

heartache they could ever have, as long as its bounty never ran dry. And a

Matthewson had no common worry like lesser beings as far as money. The

Matthewson money tree was never less than fruitful. Never ran dry.

Sex wasn’t any good anymore. In retrospect, he didn’t know if it had ever

been. Topless models, pristine beaches, all of it was a lover’s dream.

Sometimes he wondered if it was a nightmare.




Cacy came over; they drank until the moon turned blue, until the tide brought

the turtles ashore, until they passed out like well-nourished babes.

For quite some time Saedy had been wondering about the meaning of life,

God, the universe, eyebrow malfunction and most importantly how well he was

doing across the water in law school. Still Cacy seemed to ease his mind. She

was blond, vivacious, stacked and possessed a silly little girl voice. 3 more years

of boozing, grooving and a Yale law graduate he would be. The finest firms

would be at his doorstep. His beck and call. But at the moment, all was well in

an essential sort of way as Cacy eased his mind, removed the doldrums, and kept

the boredom from eroding all forms of his sanity in the untidy little way that they

usually do. One last thought entered his mind before he crashed off into a

hopefully deep (guilt-free) Mathewson type sleep. Money Talks Bullshit Walks.

Occasionally he called Sid, and he well, actually, did call him Sid. The

clone’s real name was Robert Joe Tarver. Robert Joe was from Minneapolis or

New Jersey or some other cold, ugly, desolate place that no one had ever heard

of. The two of them didn’t have much in common besides the face that

inextricably linked them together forever. Forever or until the world came

crashing down upon each and every one of us. Until the henchman, (he of the

weekly payroll for future considerations) would sharpen his axe, polish his

glock or have the guillotine U-hauled over to wherever Sid was at the moment

after graduation, aspiring to his future aspirations, having dutifully

completed his 2-mil mission of graduating Yale law at the top of his class.

It was no problem for the henchman. He was ready at a moment’s notice.

Only the henchman’s own death would delay his arrival. Delay his deed. But the

henchman always said he would be there. He lived for moments like these. Call

him grim if you like he would say, but he was the reaper. And he desired such

moments of infamy. Surely, as much as he desired breathing. All of the solitaire

he played in solitary made the moment of sudden infamy, desired and delicious.

Others, on the receiving end of his mass evil, weaponry bought for 1 mil, died,

succumbed to the wishes of the handlers of the 1 mil. He knew it was all bullshit.

But he had seen the phony contracts that the (lepers) he called them, had signed.

And he was a firm believer that if your John Hancock was on something it was as

good as gold. He had grown up poor. He came from a family of failed henchmen.

He was now rich. He would do the dirty deed. He had no problem doing the dirty

deed. He wasn’t a rat. His type of work was b.s. but as everyone knew Money

Talks. Sometimes money is a great vocalizer. If he listened intently enough, he

could hear it making sounds like the seashells supposedly do. Life-changing

sounds that usually corrupt, rot, eat at your soul. Long ago he learned that the

seashell wasn’t a singing urchin but in his line of work that didn’t concern him.

Time flew as the crow flies and Saedy took to the beach again, his love for

her waves, sun and sand not quite as unrequited as they had grown to be. She

welcomed him back into her nourishing sanctity with open arms. Saedy was

actually feeling good, wholesome again. Roderick (the 3rd) had upped his

allowance.

He guessed the shipping business was like the Dow Jones. It was on the up

and up. He’d brought in more girls. He’d gone to Brazil upon discovering

Brazilian girls. In all likelihood, he was surrounded by the most beautiful girls.

One concern he had, he hadn’t really found anyone to love. To cherish. To

walk down the aisle with. To spend his life with. The problem was he

engendered, his face. The Matthewson special. Well not only his face but his

body as well. And his ambition or lack thereof seemed to irk many women. A

martini in one hand, a mint julep in the other, a sadistic anguish painted on his

Matthewson face he found out, didn’t often work wonders for his love life.

Having so many eager, beautiful lovers had spoiled his success at attaining real

love. In certain cases, excess was too much. He learned one tidbit (smidgen of

wisdom). Too much of a good thing was too much of a good thing. Everything

perished including good times being seen as good times if everything was a good

time, a vacation. He was now 26. He felt like Abraham Lincoln must’ve felt

when freeing the slaves. Trying to please everyone just grated on your nerves, ate

at you. Like a maggot, it pursued you even after death. And for certain he was

sure, if he had died, he hadn’t gone to Heaven.

On the day of Sid’s graduation, he was there. So was the 3rd. Being the real

McCoy he was disguised, an outdated Beatles wig sat atop his head juxtaposing

past to future, beach-going romantic to hall-of-fame student, and life of

convenience to life of impending tragedy. When Roderick (the 3rd) hugged,

congratulated and offered up the best small talk that money could buy he was

actually hugging, congratulating a different man with the same face. The

Matthewson face. The distorted entity that DNA had seen fit to outfit the

Matthewson clan with. The man, who had done all of the heavy lifting, had

done everything that was asked of him, without question, without complaint.

2 mil and a few extra mils during the process had eased his conscience of course.

Upon further review, one fabulous California day, (the kind you see

prominently featured in travel advocating catalogues), the all sunny and bright

stereotypical kind, while Saedy and his father were celebrating over cocktails

and a stock market upswing they had come to a rash decision. They decided

they might give Sid a new lease on life. Outfit him with another couple of mil

and ask him to retire to a faraway island. If he needed a wife, they would gladly

throw in another mil.

Well that possibility, (the potentiality of absolving the henchman of his

supposed guilt, thereby emancipating both he and Sid) had been discussed by #3

and #4, and was potentially on the table, was still under consideration. But the

whole Two Tickets to Paradise thing being so Eddie Moneyish was luring them to

do the right thing. Too many martinis, their devotion to Eddie’s song and of

course his last name, the real kicker, was turning them into Abraham Lincoln

wannabes.

If the clone disappeared swiftly and became a Lilliputian-sized creature and

never dared to enter the light of the civilized world again, he might be spared.

The option was on the table.

Saedy stood there and listened to his father, serenade, praise, kiss, hug and

just bask in the glow of a worthy son. Saedy stood there with an attractive face

(actually a mask). If not a mask, how could he explain the twin effect? Any

common sense person knew that any righteous and sane God would never

approve of twins under the circumstances of such a face.

They exchanged goodbyes in the form of handshakes and until-we-meet-again

propaganda. All had seen the end. The Matthewson clan had the henchman at their

disposal. Their beck and call. Yet the faraway uninhabited island seemed like a

mighty altruistic way to decapitate Sid from their world. They would even suggest

a few cds, maybe chip in a book or two if they came to that seminal conclusion.

They figured even faraway uninhabited islands untouched by Edison’s brilliance,

had an agreement with natural lighting. Saedy was excited. He had sworn off

women. He had purchased thirty to forty Brooks Brothers pinstriped suits. Every

single last pinstriped one of them came with matching colorful shirts and

aerodynamic clip-on ties. Unbeknownst to Saedy, the colorful shirts didn’t really fit

his coloring, his personality or his charm. He had hired a Feng Shui expert to come

in and arrange his New York Park Avenue digs. His apartment was fengshued to the

max. In her oversight, she neglected to tell him that everything else about him, his

walk, his talk, his style, his savoir faire, wasn’t exactly in coherence, even remotely

harmonious to his bachelor pad. She had shrugged off, the telling, realizing that he

was one of the most hopeless cases that she had ever seen. She had crossed herself as

she went out the door, holding true to the Catholic tradition.

When she had interrogated him under the guise of doing her Feng Shui, she

had mind-listed both his accomplishments and his plans. That evening with a

cool 1 mil in hand, she had gone home to her husband, a Japanese investment

banker. Over sushi and sake, they had rolled open a can of laughter like the old

sitcoms had provided unknowing viewers. Difference was, theirs, was real.

Neither the Feng Shui expert nor the investment banker could believe that

Saedy Guttridge Livingston Matthewson the 4th was a graduate of Harvard

summa cum laude and Yale law. They both agreed that it was ridiculous.

What was the world coming to? The mere thought of such a happening was

absurd. A conundrum indeed. The two of them rolling around in all their mirth

had never agreed more. If you had known their own history of life, love and

tragedy, you would realize the enormousness of those implications, the

unquestioned substantiated fact that lay before you. Later that evening the

investment banker with the ironic name of Tokyo would confess an illicit affair to

his demure wife, Suki, knowing that life as he knew it, was certainly over.

Combining the elements of sushi, sake, intervening laughter and makeup sex,

their marriage removed itself from the rocks before it ever became lodged there.

Nine out of ten therapists would tell you that the laughter engendered by the story,

look, and life, of one ugly-faced Saedy Guttridge Livingston Matthewson the 4th

saved their marriage. The laughter violated one normally unalterable statistic.

Generally Suki and her newly acquired 1 mil would be seeking shelter elsewhere.

Compromising laughter indeed. One for the books.

What comes next is quite confusing. So please pay attention! Sid,

the clone, born Robert Joe Sarver from New Jersey, Minnesota or some other God-

awfully cold place, changed his name to Sean Colvin, and moved. In his haste, he

left no forwarding address. He created his own witness (get lost) protection

program. Of course he took the accumulated 8 mil with him. Haste not waste was

his new motto. On the diplomas, which he hadn’t given up yet, he changed the

name of the recipient to Sean Colvin after consulting with a priest who was

sympathetic to his situation and had knowledge of such matters, he, the priest,

himself, being a Yale graduate.

He didn’t know if the Matthewson family owned everyone. He hoped that

the priest was not a Matthewson property. He did know that Money Talked and

Bullshit Walked. Extremely afraid and overly cautious, he didn’t even dare

contact his family.

When Saedy went looking for his namesake, he was gone. Vanished. And

most disturbing to Saedy, the clone’s former residence didn’t look very Feng

Shui. He was disappointed in that. The registrar, the landlord, the sexy lady

next door who didn’t even tempt him so he fastidiously kept his mil in his

pocket, not a single one of them knew that Sid now Sean Colvin formerly

Robert Joe Tarver had been displaced. But he was displaced. He had

disappeared. Vanished into thin air. He was the orchestrator of the ultimate

vanishing act. And he thought only the potential black Sid had the rights to

play the vanishing man, owing to Ralph Ellison’s novel, The Invisible Man.

Saedy thought that it was almost like his namesake was guest starring in the

witness protection program. Still that struck him as silly because wasn’t he,

(the 4th), and the 3rd and the idle henchman all of them, his protectors, his

lifeline?

Saedy returned home and messed up his new bachelor pad (not that he was

looking for women) with martinis and mint juleps and even a couple of

Budweisers that a girl named Carly Sue had enlightened him with. In oddly

unfamiliar surroundings, curiously he felt oddly familiar even though Feng Shui

had set up shop. Realizing that until Sid was found he had to lay low, do

something oddly unfamiliar, something against his natural being, caused his and

the apartment’s undoing. Duplication of identity had been as harmless as a sunny,

peaceful spring day when the original and the duplicatee were on opposite ends of

the planet. Now the world had closed in on them. Saedy was supposed to be at the

front of the bus, his clone was supposed to be on a faraway previously uninhabited

island (a virtual Gilligan) in lieu of a henchman’s Maytag delivery.

They had decided to spare him the henchman’s gift of death. Maybe it was the

oddly familiar face or maybe a twinge of guilt had appropriated itself inappropriately

amongst the Matthewson clan? Maybe upon the 3rd’s last visit to his cardiologist, a

heart, a true and beating one had been discovered? Maybe it was all of the altruism

that flooded society’s airwaves? Maybe the Vanderbilts, trailer trash that they were,

had upped the ante? Maybe it was a combination of all of these things? Or maybe it

really was a few martinis and the gift of song? Whatever. But the offing they

decided would take on a different form. A passport would be needed; a private jet,

an uninhabited island, a few cds and a luscious beauty with no discernible future

would all be a part of the vacation package. Only one problem, the lucky recipient

of all of these things had gone absolutely incognito. Possibly the face had done

him in? Now he was as invisible as millions of species (mostly insect) that lay

undiscovered in the Amazonian basin, unfettered by praise, unknown and not

categorized by mad, fame-seeking scientists. The invisibility: This was all

supposed to come to pass but only after the sheepskin had changed hands.

Maybe the Japanese lady did Feng Shui redos and cleaning, too. She

probably did. He knew it especially well being a Matthewson that most everyone

had a price. How could he know that she, Suki, had never been happier? And all

because of him. In blind sight, he had saved her marriage. As he poured some

gin on the rocks, he never considered this. Should he? Of course he shouldn’t,

he is not all knowing. He is, was, and always will be a rich beach boy. He was

and is a diehard, a blowhard, a womanizer (in recovery though), and a cheater of

life. He knew that he did all of these things in mathematical proportions. Yet, he

was ready to step up to the plate. Take on the game of life. Be the best Yale

trained lawyer that ever partied down on the Riviera with bare-breasted babes

who bought into this game for a cool 2 mil? Once he located Sid, he would prove

his mettle. He would start the adult phase of his existence. He knew it was about

time.

The doorbell rang. Funny he thought, is it time for a Feng Shui redo? Is my

father bi-coastal today he wondered? Maybe some long lost lover was having

second thoughts about getting another mil? He considered that possibility. He

was mildly inebriated. He had been there before. He had lived a lifetime of

inebriation. His life had, up to this point, consisted of Saturday nights.

The masked man entered with a polite (wave of the gloved-hand) hello,

moments before his cursory goodbye. The shot didn’t ring out or echo as they

normally do because this guy was a pro. Have silencer will travel could have

been on his card.

Before the climatic or anti-climatic moment if you will, a steady stream of

here-in-the-now-death-time-video had done light-speed cartwheels in the mind

of a Matthewson. A universal first. Parties, beaches, all glamorous and pristine,

bathing beauties who easily could dominate the most attractive human lists,

cocktails du jour, rain in Spain, (how glistening it was), rides down Rodeo Drive,

trophies (for nothing earned) galore, everything imaginable to be had in the life

of a pleasure king flashed before the visual cortex of this man. While life had

been inordinately beautiful, beauty in the wrong, misguided hands had a way of

coming undone and sometimes it did so horrifically. The reaper had a way of

making things right. And for the rich and pleasured, the ‘do wells’, sometimes

the evening out takes a little too long especially for the paupers’ (the other half

of the universal divide) satisfaction. But in the end, usually the universe, in all

of her infinite wisdom, rights herself. Like a self-righteous mix of carbon,

hydrogen, molecules, atoms, quarks, and whatever else reigns supreme in the

primordial dust, it rights itself. The dead man upon the commencing of dying,

shit himself. Bullshit per se had come to a dying standstill and then some.

The masked man removed his disguise, intently studied the corpse and

simultaneously wondered if he had the right dead man in front of him and prayed

to God that he did, that he was at the right place, at the right time, and if so

everything else at this moment happening in the universe was inconsequential to

him. The deed was done; he shouldn’t worry, he thought. After all the person

behind the hit seemed pretty certain of the location. And Mapquest (a killer’s tool,

if you were a killer) did the rest. Oddly, he thought the apartment looked like it

had been a victim of Feng Shui and he had a right to that observation because he

was in the know about such things.

The next day the trash crew unknowingly removed a box that contained the

remains of a life that had been lived outside of it. The box. Nothing had ever

been wanted by this life that wasn’t bought and paid for. Nothing had been too

pricey. Nothing. It had been a life of self-satisfaction. Of ease. It had been a

life that had toyed with adversity. In fact had laughed in the face of it. It had

done away with trial and error. Cause and effect, too. It had been a life well

lived?



Yes, with wise, sound investments, a penchant for saving and a life-altering

decision, he had freed himself. The henchman, he would wait no

more, he knew… because Money Talks and Bullshit Walks.