Used to stare at you across the gymnasium, eyes locking, smiles connecting; a thing of beauty.
The cultural divide flows between us like a river never crossed. I'd never been in love before, okay recently, I'd tried out the puppy version; the one everybody says isn't real. It passed, but concerning you and my love it took some time some pain no one should ever have to feel. Not being able to let you in on the secret for so long, that's a shame. The psychiatrist couldn't unlock the secret to my pain. (He talked biorhythms; his personal mumbo-jumbo. I'd read of them. I doubted his intelligence. ) Over time I did the trick myself; unlocked the chamber of secrets.
Oh how I wish we could go back in time, you and I, youthful again, the whole world bright and new again. Things would be different now or would they be? The world has gotten a little bit kinder but still there are barriers, strongholds to be defeated, (overturned). They relish my pain. Don't they know it? Would they curse me or would they feel my pain? Say it's ok?
Simple pleasures like seeing you in your athletic attire, the little fold of fat on your legs, fat has never looked so sweet, checking you out in your leopard print dress, oh that was too much (laughs). ( I am a man of simple pleasures).
Seeing you in the theater on Main street it'd been a while, tried to touch you but you held me at bay forgot to tell you I'd loved you or I did love you, the memory fades now. The elephant takes a backseat.
Finally in the prime of our lives, no longer wet behind the ears, you, husband, 2 kids, getting you alone for a brief second, making up for lifetimes never shared it's simple, you make do with what you have, that's the way of the world. Couldn't we ever learn they kept us apart for so long, my life has been embittered, my life has been one long, strange, faulty dance, in that moment I tell you, remember when, you listen closely, back then in the famishment of youth I loved you, you smile, you ask me if I still do, for a moment disregarding the hub and kids, you're curious, we're still young. Is there a plan behind your question? Do you want out? What are you feeling? I tell you how much pain and suffering I went through holding this in so many years; I know that's all water under the bridge. Why couldn't I have been revolutionary? Was I born too early or too late? No one, including you, could understand the pain I went through, how it redirected my life put my (existence) on a false course.
Hey, it's even hard for me to fathom how sick my body felt, how I would rather lay on the bed, than go outside and play. The illness wasn't a Godsend, more like the devil's macabre medicine. It wasn't something you'd want to send anybody. Anyway I'm here, I see you, it looks like you're doing well. Does anybody ever really know how someone else is doing? It's often hard to figure out how you're doing, yourself.
Which brings me to this conclusion: Oh so long ago I told you how I'd felt. Now in my aging state I wonder how you took it all in? How did it make you feel? Did it awaken the little girl in you? I hope that you were happy then, happy now. Happiness is a good thing, not the surest or easiest thing to accomplish but it's mighty damn good when you get it right.
Yes, I loved you, more than you'll ever know, just like you'll never understand the pain I went through, you'll never really understand how much I loved you; comprehension is a weird thing, comprehending the strength, vitality, power and pain of such love is a herculean task, it would take centuries, it would take undivided attention, it would take tapping into another's soul, so I don't slight you because you don't understand, you just wanna know if I still love you.
I guess a piece of me always will, a portion of heart was taken away secretly in the night back when it all began, never did I know it, did I realize it but it must've happened, if dreaming about you now is any indication, there must be a reason, forgive me, I won't ask for my heart back, I don't take back what I give, a gift is done, don't call me a thief, call me human, with watchful eyes, checking out your chesire smile, your natural floating hair, you were so pretty then, so youthful and free, guess I could say I was lucky to have known you in that time, no matter how shallowly I knew you, how interminable it was, I had a slight knowing. Life must be filled with slight knowings? Most are just strangers passing, a smile, a glance, not a second thought but some cut to the core, leave their imprint, change a life. Wouldn't it be nice to get back a moment, time wasted, discard the pain, going backwards in time? Discarding the pain could become a pasttime of mine. You only get one shot at this life, you gotta make do the best you can , reliving the moments, if you could change them reverse the course of your years on the planet. But in the here and now, we both know things such as time are so irreversible. Time heals all wounds, they say. I say, give it time; you ask me back then in the midpoint of our knowing, do you still, (love me)?
Out of the presence of your husband, your kids, on the surface, I have to answer no. Yet, don't think that I haven't, even if now a part of me doesn't want to go there for psychological reasons. If here and now, face to face, your lips moments away from mine, memories leaking from the subconscious flooding all semblance of rhyme and reason, chaos inventing chaos is possible if I answer, "Yes, I do." Just think of all the pain that would still be percolating inside of my soul, desire burning out the last vestiges of my sanity. Just think. Just think it would be unbearable. Maybe it would have been better if you would have been my puppy love # 2? It would've been easier this traversing of the universe. No telling if I would've had the same amount of inspiration but I ask you what has it gotten me, (procured) me anyway?
Pain without matyrdom is too much pain, (laughs). Really if I still loved you in the way that I'd loved you, when our eyes locked back when we were pupils, when our smiles and laughter connected, it would be so unbearable to be standing here now. I grant you a (pardon). I had to release myself. It took some time, screwed my life up, confused, distorted my path. When it, the love ended, it was good, a miracle blessing, because a body, mind and soul can only take so much pain, so much abuse. And you know what they say about psychiatric pain, no one knows how you feel, what you're going through, you're just labeled a slacker, so good riddance to that ill will.
And yes, if I loved you in that way any longer, believe me, write it down, I would either be dead or certifiably insanely crazy. Maybe I am certifiably insanely crazy. My legacy might be the volumes of craziness' literature that shrinks write about me. Guess you can see why I had to give it up, the love of you, you, because of the implications, the situations, the confrontations beyond our control back then in our tender years full of unsavory fears, now in our middle years, they, (the implications), still lurk and we've added more but yes I still love you enough to picture you in my dreams, think of you at this very moment, wondering what might've been how our lives could've better been captured on film and I hope you understand what it was that brought me here, I had to tell you and I hope you'll understand.
You'll never know what I went through and God Bless You that you don't. You'll always have a sliver of my heart and please I ask, protect it, keep it safe, out of harm's way. It's been there before in harm's way; it's felt the wrath of the uncaring. So in this moment of thought and sincere reflection, I guess I Love You and because of all of the years and tears, I hope and pray that I don't wake up tomorrow dreaming of You.
